Protecting Our Children: Talking to Your Child About Body Safety
This can be a difficult topic. But I've had this conversation with my adult son regarding my young granddaughters. And I’ve discussed this with numerous parents of patients who are young children, children, and middle school “tweens”. I believe this topic is an important one.
As parents, our deepest desire is to keep our children safe and healthy. While we often focus on physical safety like buckling seatbelts and wearing helmets, another crucial aspect of their well-being is body safety. This involves teaching children about their personal boundaries, their right to say "no," and how to recognize and respond to inappropriate touch.
As a licensed child psychologist, father, and grandfather, I understand that talking about these topics can feel daunting. You might worry about scaring your child or introducing concepts they aren't ready for. However, open and age-appropriate conversations are essential for empowering children and protecting them from potential harm, including inappropriate sexual contact.
Why Early Conversations Matter:
Children learn about the world through our guidance. By starting early with simple concepts, we lay the groundwork for them to understand and assert their boundaries. These conversations help them:
Understanding Boundaries: My Body, My Rules
A key element of body safety is teaching children about personal boundaries and consent.
● "My body belongs to me": This simple phrase is powerful. Teach your child that they have the right to decide who touches their body and how.
● Good touch vs. unsafe touch: Explain the difference between touches that feel safe and caring (like hugs from family) and touches that feel uncomfortable, confusing, or scary. Be clear that any touch that makes them feel uneasy is not okay.
● The power of "no": Empower your child to say "no" to any touch or situation that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if it's from someone they know. Reassure them that saying "no" is always okay in these situations.
Navigating Different Relationships
Children interact with a variety of people, and it's important to discuss different types of relationships and boundaries within them.
● Trusted adults: Identify a network of trusted adults your child can turn to if they ever feel unsafe or need help. This could include family members, teachers, school counselors, or family friends.
● Rules around physical affection: Discuss appropriate levels of physical affection with different people. Explain that hugs and kisses are usually for close family and friends, and it's okay if they don't want to hug or kiss someone, even if that person expects it.
● Online safety: In today's digital age, online safety is an integral part of body safety. Discuss the importance of not sharing personal information with strangers online and what to do if someone makes them feel uncomfortable online..
Teach Your Child What to Do If Something Feels Wrong:
It's crucial for children to know what steps to take if they experience unsafe touch or a situation that makes them uncomfortable.
● Talk to a trusted adult: Reinforce the importance of telling a trusted adult immediately if something feels wrong. Reassure them that they will be believed and supported.
● It's not their fault: Emphasize that if someone does something that makes them feel unsafe, it is never their fault.
● Keep telling until someone listens: If the first adult they tell doesn't seem to understand or help, encourage them to keep telling other trusted adults until they find someone who will listen.
Age-Appropriate Approaches:
The key is to tailor your conversations to your child's developmental stage. Here are some general guidelines:
● Preschoolers (Ages 3-5): Focus on basic body parts and the concept of "private parts" (parts covered by a swimsuit). Teach them that these parts are special and only seen by themselves and trusted caregivers during necessary times like bathing or diapering. Emphasize that no one else should touch these areas. Use simple language and positive reinforcement.
● Early Elementary (Ages 6-8): Reinforce the concept of private parts and introduce the idea of good touch (hugs from family) and bad touch (touch that feels uncomfortable, secret, or makes them feel unsafe). Explain that they have the right to say "no" to any touch they don't like, even from adults. Identify trusted adults they can talk to if they have concerns.
● Late Elementary and Middle School (Ages 9-13): You can have more in-depth conversations about personal boundaries, consent, and different types of inappropriate behavior. Discuss online safety and the importance of not sharing personal information or engaging in inappropriate online interactions. Reiterate that they can always come to you or another trusted adult if they need help or have questions.
Tips for Talking to Your Child (All Ages):
1. Choose a comfortable time and place: Find a relaxed setting where you can talk without distractions.
2. Use simple and direct language: Avoid euphemisms that can be confusing.
3. Be calm and reassuring: Your child will mirror your emotions. If you are anxious, they may become anxious too.
4. Listen actively: Pay attention to their questions and concerns. Validate their feelings.
5. Answer honestly and age-appropriately: Don't overshare, but provide truthful answers to their questions.
6. Reiterate that it's never their fault: If they disclose something difficult, assure them that they did nothing wrong and that you believe them.
7. Be an ongoing resource: Let them know they can always come to you with questions or concerns.
8. An Event or Concern: In the event they do come to you or if you have a legitimate concern, ask only open ended questions.
9. Don'ts: At all costs avoid asking leading or closed ended questions, e.g. “Did someone touch your (name of the body part)?” or “Did someone make you (explain the sexual act)?”
10. Why: There is robust research that reveals that these type of leading or closed ended questions from an adult whom the child feels 1) is someone who loves them; or 2) is a person in authority, that such directed questiong can create a “false positive response set” and can lead to the inadvertent insertion of “false memories” in your child. Referred to as “false memory syndrome” this can have a long lasting and serious adverse impact on your child's true recollections and their long term psychological adjustment.
11. Do's: One of the best questions to ask is simply, “Has anyone ever touched you on your ‘private parts’ where you shouldn't be touched?”
12. Do's: If your child says “Yes”, the only follow up question is, “Can you tell me some more about that?”
13. Do's: If your child says “No” or looks at you as if you are “crazy”, leave it alone. But monitor your child for the “Red Flags” listed below.
14. Do's: At that point, assure them you believe them, you love them, and you will protect them.
15. Do's: If their answer was “Yes”, and you have asked the follow up question, privately write down the statements as accurately as you can recall in your child's words.
16. Do's: Make sure your child is safe (preferably with another trusted adult who asks no other questions) and immediately contact CPS, law enforcement, or your local “Child Advocacy Center” and request an investigation.
17. Do's: If your child reports physical harm or direct touch to “private parts”, immediately take your child to your local Emergency Department or Pediatrician. Do NOT shower or bathe your child, change their underwear, or change their clothing.
Recognizing Potential Red Flags:
While open communication is key, it's also important to be aware of potential behavioral changes in your child that might indicate a problem. These can include:
● Unusual interest in sexual topics or behaviors that are beyond their developmental age.
● Withdrawal, anxiety, fear, or changes in mood or behavior.
● Difficulty sleeping or nightmares.
● Physical complaints such as pain or discomfort in the genital area.
● Regression to an earlier stage of development, e.g., a recurrence to bed wetting.
● Secrecy or reluctance to talk about certain interactions.
● Damaged or stained underwear.
● Avoidance of specific locations where you once believed they felt fine.
If you notice any of these signs, trust your instincts and seek professional help through your child’s pediatrician or a licensed child psychologist.
You Are Not Alone:
Talking about body safety and potential abuse can be emotionally challenging for parents. Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources available to support you.
If you are unsure how to begin these conversations or have concerns about your child's well-being, please reach out to a licensed child psychologist, social worker, or child advocacy organization.
Protecting our children requires ongoing effort and open communication. By equipping them with the knowledge and confidence to understand their body boundaries and speak up when something feels wrong, we empower them to stay safer and healthier.
Let's work together to create a world where all children feel safe and respected.
As always, if I can be of assistance, please reach out.
Dr. M
Robert B. Miller, EdD LP
Licensed Psychologist
Child and Pediatric Psychology
drmillerpsychologist.com